Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Emotionally tired.

In fact, more like exhausted...

Tony and I have been trying to get pregnant for one year and seven months. Why did I worry so much about getting pregnant for all those years? I could have saved my money on birth control, that's for sure.

The doctors are absolutely drowning me in hormones, and it's driving me crazy, literally. This is a very lonely experience, and I'm beginning to wonder how long I can do it. It's isolating in every way...I don't recognize myself anymore. I've always been sweet, cheerful and outgoing; now I'm bitchy, short-tempered, sad and don't feel interested in things I normally love. I can't get the word "broken" out of my head...why won't my body work?

I've always wanted to be a mom; I never realized how much of my confidence and self-worth was wrapped up in this one event. If I can't get pregnant, it will force me to relearn who I am now and rethink who I will be in the future.

I've been scared to write this, scared to reveal to the outside world how terrible I feel right now. But it's starting to kill me to keep it in, and not very many people read this blog anyway :) My dear friend Kikii advised that I start writing down my thoughts, lest they poison me while hidden away in my head, and I guess she's right.

So, here it is. Not fun, not cheerful, not comfortable to read. Not to live either, unfortunately.

More positive postings to come, I promise!

1 comment:

  1. Hi There,

    I dont know you at all, but I spent around 2years trying to get pregnant and went through all the disappointment each month when my period would arrive, I was constantly crying and upset and probably not that easy to live with either. I am a Christian and I could not understand why God would allow me to go through this. My best friend got pregnant and instead of being happy for her I was sad and jealous. I did a counselling course called refocussing and it really helped I felt like God gave me a picture of the cross that jesus died on and was holding a baby in his arms saying receive. I begin to realise that life is a gift. We have just recently lost our third child and this has been another why God. I dont know if you believe in God or perhaps you think that I am crazy, but all I know that when I began to pray and say God I want your will for my life. I basically gave up my dream of having a baby and began to trust God to make it happen. We have two beautiful children that I never thought we would have. I would like to encourage you that God has great things for your life, just trust him and start to ask him what his plans are for you!! I hope this helps you,. If it doesn't then just forget it. Take care of yourself...:0)